Dreams......

Give me some luck

2008-06-24T12:52:00Z

trixie_firecrax @ 2005-08-14T20:49:00

2005-08-14T19:51:51Z

People who just browse my LJ or don't have LJ's themselves keep asking me why I haven't updated for a while. Well I have but the stuff has been so wonderfully exciting it's all under lock and key! So to let everyone know why they can't see my everyday entries I'm going Friends Only!

If you know me or want to know me then comment to be added.

No one on my friends list has to comment to this - you guys are still there.

Randomness

2005-08-07T20:19:21Z

Bro hasn't called since he landed ths morning. He's so awful when it comes to contact and it really annoys me. It doesn't take a minute to just send a text and say he's ok.

Found out today that Melissa Tkautz, one of my soap icons from her days in E Street, is about to release some new music in Aus. Very excited. Can't wait to get it.

I don't know what I'm doing this week. Everyone will be out and at work so I'll be here on my own during the day. Once again I'll be behind on Neighbours cos Bro wants me to wait for him!!

Made some PP icons today just a few especially for damaged_hearts and any other PP fans.

A Joyous Moment!

2005-08-03T15:19:49Z

For the first time in ages, like over 8 months me and my bro have caught up with UK Neighbours.
We can watch the episode 'live' tonight.

WOO!

We'll be behind again next week when he goes away but...yay!

Do you hate Crazy Frog?

2005-07-18T16:41:53Z

Ha Ha!!! It's time to take your revenge!!!

Beat The Crazy Frog!

Comp Probs

2005-07-18T15:44:00Z

The family PC hasn't had any internet for a couple of weeks. The wireless card broke. So I got a new one and have only just got round to installing it because of my holiday.

It's so not happening and after calling the helpine 3 times they have just told me I can't call them anymore!! It's company policy that after three calls, to stop the customer from spending too much money they have to call me back! All well and good but it takes up to 48 hours!!

I swear it better not take that long. I have so much to do and don't like the thought of using the net when it's not secure.

Have ticked a few things of the 'to do' list. Also called my agent today and cut all ties. Was horrible. He said he was really upset as he's just been given the new series of Bad Girls and wanted me to be in it again. I hate taking this massive gamble even though I know I have to. It's bloody scary. Still, he managed to slip in a last minute pervy comment before he put down the phone. Ick.

To be or not to be

2005-06-21T12:04:27Z

Going through my Shakespeare piece and it struck me that Izzy Hoyland has simular tendancies to Anne Boleyn! Not in their circumstances but in the way they deal with them. The whole actress thing - blowing everything into a drama and almost saying what people want to hear in some cases! It's quite amusing. It's given me some scope for how to play it all anyway!!

Pop Star

2005-06-20T22:17:29Z

What is it about fans in hot weather that make you act like a popstar?
Or is that just me. When they're blowing and your hair goes all popstarish like in the music videos!!

I love that!

I so should be in bed. Have been so good sticking to my detox diet and going to bed early but tonight I just can't force myself to go.

Audition stuff is coming on well I think. I'm not as stressed about it but I still have moments when I get a bit scared and realise what I'm doing it pretty damn big! But I think it's sinking in. I'm feeling the characters a bit more - even the Shakespeare ones. I keep asking myself what I'll do if I don't get it and I can't think about it. It's the first time I've gone for something and not getting it has just not been an option for me. But I'm trying not to think about it.

Bro is away performing in an Opera - bless him. It's wierd not having him around. He's not back until another 2 weeks.

Anyway - I have to go back to being a pop star now.

Shocks and lots of horror

2005-06-12T11:53:18Z

So I dragged myself to the pub last night even though I was told G wouldn't be there. He was catching up with his family. It was a normal night at our local, was telling everyone about work and the xmas special etc when the door opened and G entered.......with his new girlfriend!

OMFG - did I fall of the chair at that point? I do not know but I had to kick myself into actress mode to stop my true feelings from being shown! None of us knew - G's idea of a surprise. I have no more words!! She's Danish, blonde, I don't even know her name - I swear I floated somewhere else when they entered!

So yeah - looks like that's kind of over! He has a new life now and it seems like he's really happy in his new home etc. I don't see him coming home anytime soon.

It's just odd - things that have been important in my life over the past few years seem to be coming to an end.

The girls at BG said they'd be reading self help books this weekend to help me out tomorrow!! Looks like I'll be needing that.

What happens tomorrow?

2005-05-18T00:08:46Z

A sum up of today.......because I can't sleep and I need to say things.

To a generation of fans who have grown up with Minogue as a fashion and music icon, yesterday's news of her illness will have a devastating personal effect. Minogue's glamour has made fame and success tangible for everyone else. Paradoxically, if Kylie Minogue can get breast cancer, so can anyone else.

And so there it is - the hammer that hit the nail on the head.

I have actually been crying all day today over someone I don't even know and that's why. I'm scared of this whole world - what it has in store for us. I'm someone who is always in control, always on top of things and never not in the know. I hate that fact that stuff can happen and I can have no control over it. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow - its scares me.

I wonder if Kylie's news has had this affect on all her fans today. It's hard to say since her three main forums have been closed down and any other place in which I'd chat has more baggage than I can handle at the moment. In times of trouble I do go to my real life mates first - but today I don't know, I needed to be involved in a community and nothing was there.

I've always wanted to be Kylie. She was my first idol - the first person I saw on TV. I was never into kids shows, just Neighbours. I copied her dancing, I dressed like her - I wanted to be her and yet today I bet everyone who wished to be Kylie changed their minds.

It scares me that someone like her has got sick. You always think it's someone else - the other type of person. But it's all of us. I think I've spent this whole year being scared; scared about Baby, scared about my health, my familys health, work, friends, the future. This has happened ever since we lost our cousin 2 years ago. It's just left me in constant fear about life and how easily it can be snatched away.

I hate hearing about all these good, amazing people getting sick. Not because it bores me or because I don't want to listen but because why.....I know there's no answer but being healthy shouldn't be too much to ask.

I'm so confident and brash, yet in this area I'm a wreck. It's a wierd thing - you can be happy with everything you've got and yet that makes you scared because there's more to lose.

I feel so isolated today.

Fighting The Urge

2005-05-15T15:39:50Z

Am really, really hacked off.

Am having to stop myself from giving people a piece of my mind. Sometimes people just don't get what they are doing - or they do and don't care anyway.

You work for something, really hard and then some just comes and takes it all away. I've had enough and it's happening way too often of late.

Nothing I cam do about it which makes it worse. Just feel angry ans childish. Saying it out loud makes it seem even more stupid.

Somethings are causing more unhappiness than hapiness at the moment - I need to reconsider if it's worth having them in my life anymore.

Keys to my heart

2005-05-09T18:22:53Z

Snagged from all the NF girlies...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Drunkeness

2005-05-08T00:09:00Z

I'm so drunk.

Spent the night in my room on my own but surrounded with all my online buddies!!

KK rox! We all rock on there even if the soap awards didn't go in our favour!!

So then I started on some fizzy plonk and the shame of drinking it with a straw!! It just made that slurping noise so I figure I have none left.

Tis time for bed.

I spell better when I'm drunk then I do when I'm sober. How so?

ARGH

2005-05-05T13:06:01Z

Why did the Loose Women have to just go and spoil who won The Aprentice!

Waaaah! I haven't watched last nights yet.

Today is crap.

Celebration

2005-04-30T05:31:53Z

Happy Birthday welshdreamer !

Have a good one!

All Clear

2005-04-28T17:31:52Z

Well we're all done and everything is fine.

Phew.

We just had a consultation and none of us needed any extra tests.

Madly we both have the same thing. It's a hormonal change that is common and we have to be taking our suplements. But neither of us have anything to worry about.

We're both in a state of giggly madness at the moment because the whole situation just seems to surreal.

I really want to thank everyone on my freinds list for listening to my worries, being there for me and sharing your stories because it has really helped. I'm always here for you guys too and your support has meant so much to me.

Thanks.

OMFG

2005-04-28T11:16:35Z

Ok so me and my Sis have got hospital appointments in 3 hours!

Am so past freaking it's untrue. We are not having scans as yet just have to see the specialist consultant and then he decides whether or not we need scans, biopsies etc.

It's just too wierd now - I'm in a weird state of panic!!!

I did not expect to get seen this quickly.

I just hope this time tomorrow it's all over and we're all clear!

Madness

2005-04-26T21:11:29Z

What a day.

Was at work and jst had a feeling my hospital letter had arrived. Called home and it had. Only for some reason Dad wouldn't pass me over to Mum and ended up finding out what's wrong with me. I try and keep things like that from me as he's just the worse person to have in a crisis and will really make things worse. It's not his fault, he just can't handle it.

Anyhow Hospitall appointment was for May 31st. In my opinion that's just too far away so I called my private hospital and they can see me sooner for £150. So yeah that's all cool.

Then my sister, who wierdly has been having pain in her breasts, goes to the doctor and she also needs to be referred!! Are you kidding me? Both of us - same thing.

So yeah now everyone knows, I'm worried about my Sister and unfortunatly she takes after Dad in the handling stakes and is just a wreck.

Am calling tomorrow to sort it all out and hopefully by tomorrow night we'll both have our appointments and hopefully they'll be this week and all will be well.

Work was long but ok. We have an airdate - loads earlier than expected. In fact this time in two weeks the first episode will be on air.

Random Post

2005-04-25T22:01:16Z

I can never sleep when I have work the next day. It's so bad - I have to be there in 8 hours and up in 6!

Have done loads today including making so pretty Neighbours avatars from the defining moments DVD. Mrs Mangel makes good caps!! She pulls funny faces - as does Madge, but none are as prettyful as Susan.

I need a laptop case but I don't want a standard black one. I want a nice pink one but all the ones I've looked at are like £100. I'm not paying that much!!

I still need to get some boxes for my room and some fairy lights - both the ones I want from argos are out of stock. I really need to finish my room now because half my stuff is still strewn all over the house and that sucks.

What else sucks? My mate not being able to come and see Kylie with me next week. This is not good. She's the only person I know who likes Kylie. I don't just want to take someone for the sake of it - I want someone who will bop and understand the goodness that is Kylie. I have a week to find someone.

Am working Saturday which sucks. I 'd rather work all week than Saturday, it's everyone elses day off!

Still haven't been paid and still haven't heard from the hospital. I have to call on Friday if I haven't heard anything.

Waaaaahh

2005-04-24T12:08:05Z

Have has a funny weekend - funny odd not funny haha - actually it was a bit funny haha.

Spent all of yesterday chatting on MSN. Tis shocking, I feel so ashamed. But it was fun and I giggled lots. So much fun in fact that I forgot to eat and had to have a feast in the middle of the night!!

Also have TOTM pains! Once again us nf girlies have synched!!!

I'm feeling pretty ok at the moment, really upbeat and happy.

Have lots of things to look forward to over the coming weeks and they'll drown out the crappy things!

Worried

2005-04-21T09:53:03Z

I still don't have an appointment for a scan.

This is a bit annoying - they tell you to rush straight to the docs if you find something and then before anything is done you have to go through a rigmerole of crap. It's been about 6 weeks now since I first found anything.

I'm going to wait until the post comes and if there's nothing there, or if there is and the appointment is yonks away then I'm going to investigate going private. I had to do the same a few years ago when one of my smears showed problems.

The waiting and worrying is making things worse and now I think I've found some more lumpiness. At the moment I'm just not in a position to judge so I need to see someone who knows what they're doing.

History being made

2005-04-19T16:06:52Z

Wow @ the scenes on the news at the moment showing that a new pope has been elected.

Seeing everyone there rejoicing at the news has totally made me teary.

Wow.

The Docs

2005-04-19T09:47:11Z

Am a bit hacked off.

Went docs. She felt everything and said it felt bigger. Then said that was probably because it's mu time of the month right now and that can make it harder to judge.

She's sending me for a scan. Said she couldn't actually feel any lumps and was sure that at my age everything would be fine. Gave me he spiel about how 95% of breast worries amount to nothing anyway.

Then she screwed up......'and there's no family history'.

Hello. My Mum is under 50 and is screened every year for a reason - her Sister, cousin, aunt have all had cancer and any deaths on her side have been because of Cancer. My doc is officially stupid. She should have known about my family history anyway, and she should have at least asked when I went to see her two weeks ago.

Now the scan's been marked urgent.

Lots to Do

2005-04-18T21:10:40Z

Work was good today. SilentBird wasn't there and it was such a different atmosphere. I hope The Bill keep her forever!! Had some good stuff to do again and had a nice chat with one of the actors about MY career. Was nice to get some advice.

Half of Ebay Items sold so that's some cash coming my way.

Have to go to the doctors tomorrow. I know she will send me for a scan and I'm ok about it. Yeah I'm scared but what can we really do about these things? I could have spent the last 4 weeks weeping and wailing and I can do so again until I go for the scan but what will that do? How you acts set the president for these things. If I worry and act stressed then so will my family and it will be a mess until I know what's wrong. But because I'm ok and positive and acting normally so are they and it makes things so easy and I can just push it to one side.

Don't think I have work for the rest of the week so can divide my time into some projects I have on the go. It's so nice to know I can stay up late tonight!!!

Oh and today is the birthday of my best friend. Well sadly we're not mates anymore but I still love her to bits and think of her all the time. Happy Birthday J.

Blasts from the past

2005-04-06T21:30:46Z

Have had a mad day today.

Ange from BG called. At first just for a caht but then she remembered some goss about SilentBird. She was apparently making a song and dance about me the other week asking if people knew why we weren't talking. When a few people said they knew we weren't talking but didn't know why she was surprised until Ange pointed out it was bleeding obvious! Anyhoo it turns out that SB gave a completely different reason for us not talking then the reason I thought we weren't talking. None of which are true, which makes this non speaking thing even more stupid.

It winds me up that she talks about me so blatent when I'm not there, especially when it's all lies. Wish she just come out and confront me so I could give her a damn hard slap!

Then got an email from a mate and he had sent it to loads of people including one of my mates from school who I haven't seen for years. We had a fling back in the day and he emailed me tonight having got my address from the group email. Short and sweet:

'It's been ages - how are you?'

With him I know that's code for - I'm single wanna meet up!! Will email him back late though just to see.

Then shock, horror found out my ex-ex-boyf is getting married! It's too wierd. Not because I still have feelings for him, but because we went through a lot together and now he's getting married and I'm like 'woah'. When did we get to the age where it was ok to get married? It freaks me out.

Dinner was a success. Burning my stomach of all places on a hot tray was not. That will teach me for showing off my mid drift!!!